Diary of a Crush
by Lillialexandra
Summary: REELA AU this is a story set out like their diaries. They are both 19 and home for the summer from university. They've known each other since they were 5. I suck at summaries, just trust me its a good story :D
1. The beginning Neela

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER or the characters, I am merely borrowing them… they are going straight back afterwards :D.**

**Neela**

June 16th

Its official I am pathetic. I can't even be in the same room as them without wanting to cause someone bodily harm, this can't be normal can it? I mean let's face it nothing ever really happened between us, so he has no reason to feel guilty and I have no claim on this jealousy Im feeling. But it's so hard to think rationally, and sensibly, about this whole thing when he's over there with his tongue down her throat. Ergh, it just makes me want to scream at the injustice of it all. I found him first! See pathetic, I need help seriously, or this is gonna drive me insane.

Ooh he's coming over, best hide this…

June 16th (later)

As if my day couldn't get any worse he just came over to tell me what a great friend I am, and how pleased he is that Im still in his life as a friend. If he stressed the word friend anymore I think he'd give himself a hernia. Why oh why did I agree to the friend's thing? He's going to want advice on girls, on one girl in particular, and he's going to tell me about their relationship and that's just wrong.

Me and Ray have known each other since we were five, best friends since high school and now things are weird between us. I suppose it all changed last summer, things between us became more important and we spent a lot more time together because I was leaving to go to university in New York and Ray was staying in Chicago. People would see us in the street and assume we were a couple that's how close we became…but nothing ever really happened. There were lingering looks, hugs that lasted that fraction too long to be called simply friendly, and endless minutes spent looking in each others eyes before we would say goodnight which in a split second could have led to something more than just friendship. But neither of us wanted to spoil what we had, and I never wanted to just have a fling and then say goodbye to him when I left. There had been moments though when we had talked about being together….

_Last Summer_

"_So do you think we would ever work as a couple?" I asked him one night when we were sat in my back yard watching the stars, a favourite past time of ours…the stars really are beautiful._

_Ray looked at me, his trademark smirk in place, saying "Me and you? Yeah we'd work, we could live happily ever after and have tons of kids and then tell them tales of how we used to 'court' each other and how I fell for the girl next door." He breaks out into a huge smile "That or we'd end up killing each other within a year."_

_I can't help but laugh at him, then say "Seriously though, everyone at school thought we were already doing 'it'", here Ray starts laughing his head off…he knows how prudish I am, "every which way, so why have we never got together?" I turn to look him in the eyes, but he's not looking at me he's staring at the stars._

_For what seems an eternity he doesn't speak, then he says "I love you too much to date you, if we ever got together it would be a forever thing. Right now neither of us is ready for that."_

_That's Ray for you, everyone thinks he just this guy who plays music, wears eyeliner and wants to be a doctor purely for the money…but I know him really and sometimes he's quite wise and beautifully poetic. Then the moments over and Ray's talking about how much better Nirvana is compared to today's music and that Kurt Cobain was a true musical legend, and I just fade out what he's saying and look at the stars wondering what a future with Ray would be like. _

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Then I left, and it broke my heart to say goodbye to him. He'd been such a big part of my life and then I was faced with not seeing him everyday for a year. We kept in touch though- emails, letters, phone calls- but it wasn't the same. Around Christmas I noticed a change in his writing, and on the phone he became a bit more vague about what was going on with him and university. Girls particularly were suddenly not up for discussion, which for Ray was weird, seeing as how he used to have a new girl every week. Then in February I got an email from Ray telling me about a girl named Katey and the reason he wasn't so forthcoming in our phone calls…

To: Neela!

Sorry about the other night, I was a bit distracted that's why I couldn't really talk to you on the phone. But everything's sorted now. I've been dying to tell you about this girl I met, but didn't want to jinx anything. Now I can though. Her name is Katey, she's pre med like me and lives in the dorm next to mine. She's amazing, funny, intelligent, loves music and beautiful. In many ways she reminds me of you! You'll love her when you meet her, she's just great, ha ha. I think I'm in love, can you believe it!? Ray Barnett in love, crazy huh?

I met her just before Christmas, we were both staying in the dorms for the holidays and they were throwing an early Christmas party. As clichéd as it sounds, our eyes met across a crowded room and I just knew that she was the one for me. Id seen her around as she lives practically next door, and some of our classes are together. But that night I knew we would be together. We talked for about 5 hour's straight and then arranged to meet up the next night. We've not been apart since. It sounds so cheesy, and sometimes I can't believe how 'soft' I've become, but I'm in love!

Katey is spending the summer with me in Chicago, I can't wait for the two of you to meet. My two best girls in one place!

Enough of my stuff, how are you? How's NY winter treating you?

Can't wait to see you. Miss you.

Ray x

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To be honest I never thought that Ray would find someone he would want to have a proper relationship with, let alone fall in love with that wasn't me. I always thought we'd meet up again, and realise how silly we were to not have given a relationship a try, because somewhere between last summer and my first year in New York I fell hopelessly in love with Ray Barnett and now he has someone else.

So Ray wanted me and Katey to be friends, which is why he's organised this trip for us all. Ray's older brother Greg is coming too, he's like Ray but 2 years older and into boys in a big way. Im not sure if Ray knows this since he's been, not so subtly, trying to set us up since we got here, but Greg is taking it all in his stride and he really is a funny guy…I laughed practically the whole drive up here. Anything to take my mind off of Ray and Katey in the back canoodling. We are in a cabin in the middle of nowhere it seems, with no tv and a very short supply of shared topics of conversation. This weekend is gonna be loooong.


	2. The middle Neela

**Neela.**

June 17th 

So yesterday went as well as possible considering I've decided to not like Katey purely based on the fact that she has Ray and I don't. Pathetic and childish I know, but I can't help it. Anyway yesterday we drove up to this cabin in Greg's truck, which is practically falling apart at the seams, unpacked and then Ray thought it would be good if me and Katey did some 'female bonding.' It was the most excruciating half hour of my life. The conversation went something like this:

_Katey: So you and Ray have been friends for a while then?_

_Me: Yes, we met when we were 5, so I think 14 years counts as a while strained smile_

_Katey: I've heard lots of wonderful things about you, Ray's so lucky to have you as a friend. I really hope we can be friends too! overly enthusiastic_

_Me: Yeah he's a great guy. Any friend, or girlfriend in your case, of Ray's is a friend of mine another strained smile_

_Katey: He really is great, I'm so lucky to have found him, who'd have thought it, id find my true love in my first year at college? looks at Ray in a sickeningly loving way_

_Me: Yeah it's truly amazing, you're both very lucky. So where are you from?_

_Katey: California originally, but when I came here to college I knew id never want to leave, that's why Im staying with Ray this summer._

_Me: Don't your parents mind?_

_Katey: No they understand I'm in love. big sappy smile_

_Me: Right, yeah._

Katey then got called away by Ray, thankfully I don't know how much more of her love induced sappiness I could take. It just seems so unfair, I knew him first, he had feelings for me first, so why has he chosen to be with her instead?

Today me and Greg drove to the nearest town to get some more provisions leaving the lovebirds alone in the cabin. To be honest I was just looking for a break away from them, this is so hard. I want my best friend back. Its not that he's changed dramatically it's just that I was so used to being the only girl in his life, and now he's got Katey. And our whole relationship has to shift, because there are things he goes to her about and for now that he used to come to me for, plus the whole I'm in love with him thing isn't helping.

June 18th

Katey's gone home. Ray's sulking in the corner. Greg is MIA and I'm the one that's caused all this….

Last night we decided to drink the whole case of beer Greg had brought with him and to play truth or dare. This is what passes as entertainment up here apparently. Anyway about two hours into the game we were all suitably drunk and Katey had passed out. Greg put her to bed since neither Ray nor I could stand. We were slumped on the floor, leaning back against the sofa and talking absolute nonsense. Then Ray turned to me, and the conversation that happened afterwards has changed things, indefinitely.

_Last night_

"_You know I always wanted to take you to this cabin, I thought we'd come up here as a couple…like on a romantic weekend." He turns to me then, looks me in the eye, "but of course you never wanted to be together as a couple so it would never have happened." "That's not true!" I protest drunkenly, pointing my finger dangerously close to Ray's eye, "What makes you think I wouldn't want to be with you? You're fantastic." Ray turns to me, so now we're sat face to face, he reaches a hand out to me and I take it. "Last summer" he begins looking directly into my eyes, his stare unwavering, "…we spent so much time together and not once did you ever give me a sign you wanted to be with me. It nearly killed me, I loved you so much." Rays face turns slightly crimson at his confession but he carries on regardless, not letting me get a word in, "I thought if I gave you enough chances, opportunities that you'd give in to the feelings I felt for sure you would have for me and then we'd be together. But you never did anything. And then you left and I realised you couldn't have loved me and I tried to move on. Then I met Katey, sure the feelings weren't as strong as they were with you, but I figured that was because me and you were friends, best friends, for so long that it just overlapped. She's funny, intelligent, and beautiful. She makes me laugh Neela, and she loves me so much, one day the feelings will kick in and I'll love her back. It's a slow burner." He releases a slow, slightly bitter laugh and raises his left eyebrow at me, daring me to contradict him. Words seem to fail me, and anything I come up with in my head sounds trite compared to what Ray has just told me. So instead of speaking, I do the one thing I think will convey best how I feel about him, I wrap my arms around him and kiss him. At first he's hesitant and then Ray starts to kiss me back, his arms winding around my waist pulling me closer. Inside I feel euphoric, and everything feels complete. Im where I should be, in the arms of the man I love, who loves me back, I couldn't be happier._

_And then I hear her cough and it's all shattered. Ray jumps away from me as if I've burnt him and refuses to look me in the eye. Katey starts screaming at me, telling me I've ruined her life, but I tune her out only looking at Ray and noting how he just can't look at me. Something inside of me breaks. Greg shows up looking dishevelled, all the shouting apparently woke him from his sleep. He takes one look at us all, and with a shake of his head turns and walks back the way he came. Ray then turns to Katey and tells her to calm down, telling her 'it's not what it seems.' But his excuses are weak and half hearted, Katey knows what she saw. Now she's packing her bag and calling a taxi. An hour later and she's gone leaving just me and Ray alone together for the first time since this mess began, and still he won't look at me. He turns and goes to bed and I'm left alone._

_------------_

Ray is sat in a chair in the corner, and he still won't talk to me. I can't leave it like this I have to talk to him, but what can I say? Sorry I kissed you but not really? How about I love you, I can't bare to be without you and I want us to live happily ever after? Either way I think words are a little redundant at this point. I just wish I knew what I could do to make Ray look over here, smile at me and realise that I love him back just as much as he loves me.


	3. The middle Ray

**Ray.**

June 18th

I love Neela. I have loved Neela since I was 15, and now I think I've managed to drive her and Katey away, and Im not quite sure how to fix it. Last night was amazing and scary and wonderful in equal measures. I don't know what inspired me to start telling Neela how I felt about her; I'm thinking the alcohol helped a bit. I told her everything I've been wanting to tell her, I told her I loved her. And then she kissed me, and I swear my heart stopped beating just for a second when her lips touched mine. I forgot everything else. I forgot we were best friends, and that I had a girlfriend. Nothing else mattered except the feel of Neela's lips against mine, and how her body fitted perfectly into mine. I was truly happy in those few minutes when the world was just Neela, me and kissing. But then Katey came into the room and the bubble burst.

I didn't know what to do. I hold my hands up and admit Im terrible in a crisis, even more so when said crisis involves the woman I love and my girlfriend. I couldn't look at Neela, I didn't want to see the regret in her eyes I knew would be there. She's my best friend in the whole world, she probably only kissed me out of a need to be polite or something. So I went to Katey trying to make her calm down, or she'd make herself sick. She was so angry, I have a few bruises to back that up- she sure packs one hell of a punch for such a small girl. I didn't really try too hard to make her stay though. The whole relationship was flawed from the beginning, I was going into it _hoping_ to fall in love with her, but knowing I never could because I'm already so headlong in love with Neela that no other girl stands a chance. Even when me and Katey met Neela was still there in my mind.

_Last December_

_It was just another freshman throwing a dorm party, and I was stood in the corner, nursing a beer, talking to a guy off my course about the true merits of Myan chants when the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. This happened every time Neela would look my way, and when I turned round I was honestly shocked to not find Neela there looking at me. Instead it was this girl I knew vaguely off my course, and she was just stood there across the room from me staring. I didn't know what to do at first, unaccustomed as I was with strange beautiful girls staring at me from across crowded rooms. But then she beckoned me over with a flick of her finger, and a little bewildered I went to her. "I'm Katey" she says offering her hand, I take it shaking it slightly. "I'm Ray. Do you want a drink?" She shakes her head, pointing at the glass in her hand "I'm good thanks." And then she throws me the most sunshine brilliant smile that I have to smile in return. She's beautiful, no one could deny that, but there's something not quite right…oh yeah she's not Neela. We spent the next five hours talking about home, music, movies, and somehow my feelings about Neela. Its like I could tell Katey anything, and she took it all in her stride. _

_The next night we met up again at a bar near campus and watched this local band play. It was a really good night, lots of drink and laughter. And when I walked her home she insisted on holding my hand, to keep herself upright she said. At her door I gave her a hug and she kissed me. Resistance was futile. After that we just seemed to become a couple. No warning, no temporary period, no nothing…just her sitting next to me in every class we had together and introducing herself as my girlfriend. It was much easier to just go along with it and hope my feelings would soon reach the same point as hers._

_------------_

Unfortunately my feelings never quite reached the same dizzy heights as Katey's did. I was extremely fond of her, but she just wasn't Neela. And of course she knew all about my feelings for Neela that's why she invited herself to come stay with me this summer. She didn't trust me to not fall back under Neela's spell and get together with her. But that's exactly what I've done, and I feel awful for hurting her but I love Neela. Nothing can change that, except maybe my actions last night. I just left Neela on her own, I didn't explain at all, just went to bed.

Right I have to talk to her, I have to explain that she's the only girl for me. That I love her so much it hurts to think she might not feel the same. That Im prepared to move to New York to be with her. Anything to make her know and understand that it's always been her, and if she'll have me it always will be her. Im going to go talk to her…wish me luck ha ha.


	4. The End

**The cabin, that afternoon, Neela and Ray- 'The Talk'**

Ray walked over to where Neela was sitting, noting that she didn't lift her head to welcome him with a smile, instead she stayed staring intently at the floor. He knelt down in front of her and softly said "Neela, Neela will you look at me please?" She raises her head a fraction and he can see tear tracks running down her cheeks. Ray reaches out his hand and gently brushes away her tears and then begins his prepared talk, knowing if he doesn't get it out now, in one go, she'll never understand.

"I love you Neela, I have for some time. And I'm sorry I never told you this before and that I didn't make you mine last summer, but I'm doing that now. I want to be with you, because you're the only girl for me. Katey was a mistake; I only got together with her in an attempt to get over you. But I know now that that wasn't fair on her or you, because I realise I don't want to get over you." He smiles at her, noticing she's looking him in the eye for the first time since he knelt down in front of her.

Neela looks like she wants to say something but Ray silences her with a raised hand. "Im not done yet. Im sorry for the way I acted last night, I should never have pushed you away. When you kissed me it was the most wonderful moment of my life and then Katey came in and I panicked. I should have explained all this last night, but I was scared you would reject me, and my heart couldn't take that."

"But I love you too! Why would I push you away? Don't you know how much it hurt to see you with her?!" interrupts Neela, feeling frustrated and elated at the same time, hearing Ray say she's the only girl for him. "I want to be with you Ray as much as you want to be with me." Now Ray is smiling and standing up, holding out his hand to Neela. She takes it and he pulls her up into his arms.

"Well then that's sorted, we are officially a couple." Ray says giving Neela a quick kiss on her lips "By the way what are the halls like in New York? Im thinking of a transfer and I want to make sure the accommodation is up to scratch" Ray says laughing at the expression of delight on Neela's face. "Your going to move to New York, for me?" she says looking up into Ray's open eyes "Yup, besides the music scene is much better there than here." His face splits with a huge sunshine smile and Neela laughs gently kissing him. The kiss becomes more passionate and forceful, with Ray leading them into the bedroom and down onto the bed.

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End file.
